The Satirialist

I know what you’re thinking.  Models on the runway don’t show us how the clothes will look on real women in real life.  Very true.  But when it comes to shoes?  Not even the skinniest or the prettiest of us all are safe from bruises, bunions, and the universally acknowledged truth that pretty shoes = ugly feet.  Remember this photo of a model’s feet at the end of fashion month? Ouch!

Well spring has sprung, and these very shoes are being featured in all their airbrushed glory in Louis Vuitton’s Spring 2012 ad campaign.

If only these shoes felt as pretty as they look.  Or if only I still didn’t want them.  I think I have the shoe version of Stockholm Syndrome.  Miu Miu? More more! Solution? After the jump!

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Moving this baby over to WordPress, but have no fear, all content will be duplicated here.

What to wear when you would be much happier hiding under the covers. A complete guide to rocking the slob kabob look like a champ.

DISCLAIMER: nothing here is meant to be appropriate work attire.  If you’ve hit this low, you’re better off taking a mental health/sick day. But sometimes you’ve gotta catch a plane, or emerge from your cave for food or starbucks or class …

• Rule 1: Tights are not pants, and juicy suits will only make you feel like even more of a loser, and lets face it- on days like these you gotta preserve what little dignity you have left.  Get around this by wearing high quality yoga pants (yea I know theres a whole internet subsection dedicated to making fun of them) from LuluLemon or Lucy’s.  Yea they are basically just thicker tights but at least they aren’t see through.  If you’re feeling ambitious- jeggings.  
• Rule 2: No matter what, DO NOT WEAR A COLLEGE SWEATSHIRT.  You will only call attention to yourself, even if it’s not your alma mater’s.  On a day like this do you really want someone approaching you to talk about how great their Oberlin days were? Or worse, run into someone you actually know from college.  I guess this logic also applies to high school sweatshirts, anything with your name on it, and pants with anything printed across the ass. 
• Rule 3: For shoes, West Coasters have Rainbow sandals.  East Coasters are screwed.  If you must wear Uggs- go black, they blend better. 
• Rule 4: Hoodies and sunglasses. The universal symbol for “I’m hungover, leave me alone.” Wildfox makes really soft ones.  Softness is key on days like this.  Even cashmere can seem itchy when your life is falling apart.  

If you can handle it, pretend you’re on the way to the tennis courts.  My sister has mastered this look, ‘tude included.

And if you’re really feeling adventurous, go fedora.

When image is everything, it’s not just the clothes that have to be beautiful- but the designers too.  So next time you go shopping, forget Chanel (Fendi too) vs Tom Ford (or previously Gucci) vs Marc Jacobs (or Louis Vuitton and Marc by Marc) go straight to the source.  Put your money where your mouth is, who do you think is the hottest of the 3? 

If you’re an ass man, Tom Ford is the obvious winner.  But check out the abs  (and man candy accessory, Hi Lorenzo!) on Marc and Karl’s dreamy bone structure. Ooh baby!